The Dynamo Should Dive More

By: Jeremy | September 17th, 2009

Yes, you read that correctly; Dive, flop, or simulation (as FIFA calls it). It seems the Dynamo have faced a few divers lately, and what are the results of those games? The divers won. They weren’t overmatched from a skills perspective. No team can say they possess more soccer skills than the Dynamo. But flopping is the one skill the Dynamo lack. They need more timely and consistent flops.

Timely and consistent… Let me equate that to a quote from Jim Brown. If you don’t know (but you really should), Jim Brown is one of the best football running backs in history.

“I always made it a point to get up slow after a play. That way when I did get hurt – and I got cuts, bruises, bells ringing in my head, loss of memory; even played one whole season with a sprained right wrist – when I got hurt, I just got up slow like always, and no one knew it.”

That’s the same mentality the Dynamo should employ when instituting the flop. If they consistently flop, not just on plays that a flop would appear so blatant, but on plays in less pressing situations, the ref would become more conditioned or persuaded to see the other team as playing overly physical. Overly physical = yellow/red cards.

OK, Dynamo, you can’t just jump into this new game plan without preparation. I’ve put together some materials for you to research. First, I suggest watching some classic flop movies. Of course this doesn’t help in the physical sense of the flop, but a box office flop and a soccer flop share a common noun so I feel obligated to work it in somehow. The Adventures of Pluto Nash was a great disappointment, as well as Judge Dredd. Try watching those to set the mood. Maybe light some candles, too. They smell nice.

Next, go to the library and break a mental sweat. How about Ice Skating: Steps to Success? Whenever you become flopping pros you might want to mix in a triple lutz or two. The refs may appreciate your artistry. You could also check out Landing On My Feet: A Diary of Dreams by Kerri Strug. You may learn a great deal about tumbling, but ignore the “landing on my feet” part. One key component of flopping is NOT ending in a vertical position.

You can also reference the works of Vlade Divac. He is a renowned expert in the world of flopping. His days in the NBA over, but I’m sure you can find him on ESPN Classic. If you don’t have cable, go to the pawn shop and see if they have any vintage NBA videos on VHS.

If you prefer to call it diving, why do you prefer that? Does it sound more sophisticated than flopping? Regardless, if you prefer diving, check out Greg Louganis at www.louganis.com.

That’s it, ladies and gentlemen. Dynamo, you have RSL next and I expect it to be a flopping success.

FOREVER ORANGE