Seven Ways To Make Americans Care About MLS

By: Jeremy | September 25th, 2009

I recently read an article about ways to make the NHL more popular in America. Since MLS has its own shortcomings in popularizing a sport in America, it served as inspiration for this masterpiece. Here, I bestow upon you Seven Ways To Make Americans Care About MLS:

7. Free Beer – Do I really need to explain this? Beer is enjoyable, especially during those humid Houston nights. I’m sure it wouldn’t have any negative repercussions either. I mean, what could possibly go wrong?

6. Hotter Girlfriends – I haven’t seen many drool inducing counterparts to the players we support. Why is that? Is it a money thing? Have you seen what the European sides pull in?

5. No Ties – I hate going to a game and seeing a tie. I feel like I should get a refund when that happens. If the score is tied before I enter the gate, the score shouldn’t be tied when I leave the gate. I pay to see someone win (Houston) and someone lose (Dallas). So please introduce some kind of overtime period minus the goalkeepers or something like that.

4. No Offsides – The NHL actually has this one right. Offsides should be a designated point on the field, not wherever the defenders decide to play it. We need a “blue line” in soccer, and get rid of the midfield line. Does it serve any purpose anyway? Either change the offsides rule or eliminate it altogether. More scoring = More fans (at least a dozen or so).

3. Fighting – The NHL is debating whether to eliminate fighting from the sport, which is a perfect opportunity for MLS to embrace it. You know most people watch hockey hoping to see a fight, much like people wanting to see crashes in NASCAR. Well, I’m pretty MLS won’t implement automobiles into soccer, so fighting it is. Of course, fighting wouldn’t go unpunished in MLS. Maybe a yellow card or 5 minutes in the penalty box would be good.

2. Free Beer – Do I really need to explain this? Beer is enjoyable, especially during those humid Houston nights. I’m sure it wouldn’t have any negative repercussions either. I mean, what could possibly go wrong?

1. Tackling – I’m not talking about the slide tackles, I’m talking legal Rugby tackles. It would eliminate flopping. Let’s see how ineffective Blanco becomes when diving is pointless. Sure, he may still hit the ground when an opponent closes in, but he won’t be looking for a foul afterwards. He might be looking for his teeth as thousands of fans applaud the play.

One last thing, on a serious Dynamo note; The team has re-signed Brian Ching to a long-term deal that will keep him in Houston through at least the 2013 season. Now if they could only sign Pat Onstad to the same deal.

FOREVER ORANGE

Dallas sucks.