Dear Paul Delgadillo,

By: Jeremy | September 23rd, 2009

Mr. Delgadillo… Paul… May I call you Paul? I saw you at the game last night, Paul. You were amazing. I have never seen a referee possess so much grace and charm. You command respect from the soccer world, and the soccer world obliges.

Are you aware of your greatness? When you put on your uniform and look in the mirror, do you gaze upon yourself with the same admiration as I do? Can you feel the thousands of adoring eyes upon you while they watch through their television sets? Do you like Chinese food?

I noticed your whistle. Your whistle blowing technique is remarkable. The cyclonic reverberations pierced the Houston night like Cupid’s arrow through my heart. Do you floss?

Will you referee all of the Houston games? I won’t lie, we’ve had many referees in the past and have had some regrettable experiences. But last night was like the first time. Well, it was like the first time minus the awkward stumbling and embarrassment. It’s a new beginning now. Those other referees mean nothing. I know the world would be a better place if your soccer piety was spread through its farthest regions, but one serving of Delgadillo makes one greedy for more. We would like to keep you as our own. Is that selfish?

The game last night, you know, the one where the Dynamo won 5-1 over Arabe Unido… it was inspirational. The Dynamo players were magnificent. Not as magnificent as the officiating, of course, but magnificent. On a scale from 1-10, with 10 being the best, the ref would get a 10 and the Dynamo would get a 9.

This may be a little off topic, but why do people preface their 1-10 rating scale by saying “with 10 being the best?” Have you ever seen a scale where 10 is the worst? I thought you may know since you’re so perfect. What’s it like to be so perfect?

Paul, I must go. I ate some stuffed jalapenos from Jack in the Box so now I must lead the Browns to the Super Bowl, if you know what I mean. But I’ll be thinking of you.

Goodbye, Paul.

FOREVER ORANGE

Dallas sucks.