Beckham’s Balls Not Actually Gold

By: Jeremy | November 5th, 2009

BaodingBalls I have struggled with whether I want to continue writing for The Offside. My recent posts indicate my frustrations, which may appear to be a little acrimonious. The truth isn’t as harsh as I make it out to be, honestly.

A few days ago I contacted the powers-that-be and proposed a new page for The Offside. This page, I think, would better suit my personality and my writing style. Most of my posts are written with the intention of making the reader laugh or at least feel entertained. I am not above making myself a punch line. If we are laughing in the end, then mission accomplished. Rarely do I bring something informative or genuinely thought-provoking, nor have I ever pretended to do such. If you are looking for that here then you must have taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque.

With all of that being said, here is a sample article of what I have proposed to the higher authority. If given the almighty blessing, I will give you satire.

Beckham’s Balls Not Actually Gold

Los Angeles, CA – Amidst widespread speculation and vast wonderment, a team of scientists and health professionals have concluded that David Beckham’s balls are not actually gold.

Sasha Barnabe, a researcher at the Medicinal Sciences Laboratory of California, has conducted numerous studies regarding precious metals and their relationship with testicles.”It’s astonishing how many gentlemen claim to have or are rumored to have balls of gold. However, I haven’t seen any cases that lend credence to this phenomenon.”

David Beckham has undergone intense scrutiny throughout his playing career, but his throng of fans continue to spawn his god-like persona. Clamorous ovations follow him on and off the pitch despite the recent revelation denouncing the supposed gold molecular structure of his balls.

“I haven’t personally seen David’s balls,” said Jenny Carver, an avid supporter of Beckham, “but I’ve always believed them to possess a mystical, almost hypnotic quality. There isn’t any study or research that can persuade me to think differently. His balls will always be gold to me.”

Throughout history, some balls have been more highly regarded than others. Although some may question it, our society has chosen to place Beckham’s balls on a pedestal, gold or not.

Discuss it among yourselves and let me know if you would read an Offside satire page. Here’s a poll to make it easier.

Would you like to see satirical articles brought to The Offside?(poll)

FOREVER ORANGE

Dallas sucks.