An Open Note to Ade Akinbiyi…

Ade – welcome!! Apparently you had your first training session with the team today and found the conditions “hot”?? Just so ya know, 75 and sunny is not Texas hot – you’ll learn. Anyhow, We know you are a loyal reader of the brilliant The Offside football (“saaaahccer”) blogs and we suspect that you have recently found yourself migrating to the Houston pages to get the skinny on your new Championship winning team. As we here at the Dynamo page have a fellow transplant from good ol’ Blighty on board, we (well, he) thought it only good manners to take this opportunity to share a few tidbits about your new home that will keep you safe and informed as you make your way nervously around the 610 loop, wondering why there are so many exits for this “Frontage Road”…. So from one English guy to another…

Houston “Good-to-knows”….

• You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is “Ewe-stun”, not “Huestun.”
• Forget the traffic rules you learned in the UK. Houston has its own version of traffic rules…Hold on and pray. There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Houston. They all drive like that regularly.
• All directions start with, “Go down to Loop 610″…. which has no beginning and no end, much like the MLS season. 24/7 baby!
• Unlike Burnley and the plush Lancastrian countryside, The Chamber of Commerce here calls getting through traffic… a “Scenic Drive.”
• The morning rush hour is from 6:00AM to 10:00AM. The evening rush hour is from 3:00PM to 7:00PM. Friday’s rush hour starts Thursday morning. Take note to make sure you get to training on time. “The Dom” doesn’t appreciate being kept waiting.
• If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out and possibly shot. When you are the first one off the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going, to avoid getting into any cross-traffic’s way. *Commonly referred to here as the “Dumbass Delay”.
• Kuykendahl Road can ONLY be pronounced by a native Houstonian. Don’t sweat it. Hopefully you’ll never have to go there.
• Under no circumstances is a Taco Salad considered healthy.
• Construction on I-10, I-45, US 59 and Loop 610 is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment. Ironically, you’ll be using every one of these to get to and from games.
• All unexplained smells can be covered by the phrase, “Oh, we must be in Pasadena!!!.” *note this is Pasadena, Texas – not the cool Pasadena you’re thinking of in California. See the film Urban Cowboy, for more information.
• If someone actually has their turn signal on (indicator, to you and I), it is probably a factory defect.
• All old ladies with blue hair in a pink Cadillac have total right-of-way. Watch for these people – more dangerous than they look.
• The minimum acceptable speed on Loop 610 is 85 mph. Anything less is considered downright weak.
• The wrought iron on windows in South/East Houston/Pasadena are NOT ornamental. Get back in the car and keep moving, we need you in one piece for the next game…..
• Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that says, “Keep honking, I’m reloading.” In fact, don’t honk at anyone. *THIS IS NOT A JOKE EITHER – Texans are allowed to carry loaded weapons in their glove box!
• If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 mph in a 60 mph zone, people are not waving when they go by, as in rural England.
• The Sam Houston Toll road is Houston’s daily version of NASCAR. You’ve seen NASCAR, right? No? – me either.
• If it’s 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend. And guess what – you’re gonna be running round a soccer field!
• When in doubt, remember that all unmarked exits lead to Louisiana.
• You don’t have to wait for an exit to get off a motorway, just follow the ruts in the grass to the frontage road like everyone else. This is how Houston residents notify Texas Department of Transportation where exits should have been built.
• Hate Dallas – you don’t ask why, just do it. No-one likes Dallas. Allegedly, in Dallas, they believe in the Honour system – “Yes, your Honor, No, your Honor”…..

Welcome to the Madhouse…..Oh and er, if either Corey Ashe or John Michael Hayden ask you if you need a ride home after training – resist the temptation – apparently they’re still learning that while big puddles on the feeder roads of Houston may look fun, bad things happen if you take them on….





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