What Are You Wearing?
By: Jeremy |
3 Comments
Mayor Bill White has proclaimed today as Dynamo Day. Are you wearing orange?
Mayor Bill White today proclaimed that Friday, November 6th, will be recognized as “Dynamo Day” in Houston. In observance of the day, the mayor encourages Houstonians to wear orange, the color of the Dynamo.
The two-time MLS Cup Champion Dynamo will host the Seattle Sounders in the second leg of the Western conference semifinals, this Sunday, November 8, at Robertson Stadium at 2 p.m. With the series currently tied 0-0, the winner of Sunday’s game will advance to the Western Conference Championship game.
“Soccer is one of the fastest growing sports in Houston, so we really appreciate having a team of the caliber of our two-time MLS champions,” said Mayor White. “Win this weekend; and let’s make this year championship number three!”
“The Houston Dynamo organization epitomizes what it is to be a Houstonian on and off the field,” said Dynamo President and General Manager Oliver Luck. “We’re energized by the hometown support.”
If you are an avid reader of the Seattle Times, which I’m sure we all are, here are a few local comments regarding our Dynamo Day:
“Yeah – everyone in Houston go dress up like a Creamsicle!”
“Not only will visiting fans get mugged, if they go down too easy they’ll get a yellow card for it as well.”
“Very original idea Houston. Where did you think of this? And why didn’t you do it sooner if this team is so important to you and you only get crowds in the playoffs?”
“The Houston Dynamo organization epitomizes what it is to be a Houstonian on and off the field,” So visiting Sounders fans should be prepared to be mugged off the field…”
What do you think, Houston? Is this an accurate representation of our city? The only comment I can get behind is the one about Creamsicles. I like Creamsicles. It’s not a bad color either. But what do I know? I kind of like the Sounders’ sinus infection green, too.
FOREVER ORANGE
Dallas sucks.
Category: Team News
Beckham’s Balls Not Actually Gold
By: Jeremy | 3 Comments
I have struggled with whether I want to continue writing for The Offside. My recent posts indicate my frustrations, which may appear to be a little acrimonious. The truth isn’t as harsh as I make it out to be, honestly.
A few days ago I contacted the powers-that-be and proposed a new page for The Offside. This page, I think, would better suit my personality and my writing style. Most of my posts are written with the intention of making the reader laugh or at least feel entertained. I am not above making myself a punch line. If we are laughing in the end, then mission accomplished. Rarely do I bring something informative or genuinely thought-provoking, nor have I ever pretended to do such. If you are looking for that here then you must have taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque.
With all of that being said, here is a sample article of what I have proposed to the higher authority. If given the almighty blessing, I will give you satire.
Beckham’s Balls Not Actually Gold
Los Angeles, CA – Amidst widespread speculation and vast wonderment, a team of scientists and health professionals have concluded that David Beckham’s balls are not actually gold.
Sasha Barnabe, a researcher at the Medicinal Sciences Laboratory of California, has conducted numerous studies regarding precious metals and their relationship with testicles.”It’s astonishing how many gentlemen claim to have or are rumored to have balls of gold. However, I haven’t seen any cases that lend credence to this phenomenon.”
David Beckham has undergone intense scrutiny throughout his playing career, but his throng of fans continue to spawn his god-like persona. Clamorous ovations follow him on and off the pitch despite the recent revelation denouncing the supposed gold molecular structure of his balls.
“I haven’t personally seen David’s balls,” said Jenny Carver, an avid supporter of Beckham, “but I’ve always believed them to possess a mystical, almost hypnotic quality. There isn’t any study or research that can persuade me to think differently. His balls will always be gold to me.”
Throughout history, some balls have been more highly regarded than others. Although some may question it, our society has chosen to place Beckham’s balls on a pedestal, gold or not.
Discuss it among yourselves and let me know if you would read an Offside satire page. Here’s a poll to make it easier.
Would you like to see satirical articles brought to The Offside?(poll)
FOREVER ORANGE
Dallas sucks.
Category: Team NewsA Long and Winding Road
By: Jeremy | 3 Comments
Greetings, Dynamo fans. I haven’t written in awhile. It’s partly because my internet closes out 90% of the time I try to access the site, but mostly because soccer (or MLS) hasn’t held my interest.
I am fairly new to soccer so I was hoping this blog would chronicle my growing appreciation and understanding of the sport. I can say my understanding has grown but can’t say I appreciate it as a viable entertaining option in the sports world. There are certain rules and actions that severely detract from the entertainment value, such as flopping, offsides, scheduling, and ties.
Being from Houston, I will continue to support the Dynamo. They are a great team within the rules of soccer. It’s not their fault the rules are bad for a spectators, or at least this spectator.
Here it is playoff time and my enthusiasm takes me as far as recording the game and watching it on 4x speed. This blog deserves better than that. Maybe it’s the league, maybe it’s just me, but if two championships in three years doesn’t generate excitement, what will? And would a third championship persuade the local media to finally acknowledge that Houston has an MLS team? Coverage is sparse at best, but my opinion is that 10 championships wouldn’t make much difference. Any mention of them is generally a passive comment with an “if anyone cares” attitude.
I’ve enjoyed writing for Offside but I can’t continue to use the Dynamo as a thin veil to discuss other, more interesting topics. Maybe I’m better suited for a team that isn’t in a stepping-stone league like MLS. Maybe I’m better suited for a different sport altogether, or maybe not a sport at all. Any suggestions?
Ok, enough about my plight. I might be back, I might not. If not, I’ve enjoyed writing for you guys and have enjoyed your witty comments. Peace out.
FOREVER ORANGE
Dallas sucks
Category: Team NewsDynamo Bounced From Champions League
By: Jeremy | 2 Comments
So, the Dynamo fell 3-2 to Isidro Metapan. After a 7th minute goal from Elias Montes, plus an 8th minute goal from Anal Canal Anel Canales, the Metapan side gained plenty of momentum to push their way past the Orange.
Geoff Cameron managed to skip a ball past the opposing keeper after a perfect feed from Brian Ching who, in a weird entertainment twist, played the entire game while doing a spot-on Frankenstein impersonation (pictured right). It was a little odd, but still a noteworthy performance.
Another occurrence equally as odd, goalkeeper Tally Hall tallied (get it?) a goal after a long clearance that bounced past the Metapan keeper. Come on, Pat. When was the last time you did that? Slacker.
How do you feel after the Dynamo’s elimination from the CONCACAF Champions League?(surveys)
Speaking of odd occurrences during soccer matches….
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FOREVER ORANGE
Category: Team NewsDynamo vs. Metapan, Need I Say More?
By: Jeremy | 2 Comments
Oh man, do we have a barnburner on our hands tonight or what?!? It’s going to be incendiary, a real slobber knocker. People of Earth, it’s the Dynamo versus Isidro Metapan!
Approximately 10 hours from now, just 10 short hours, we can relive the glory, the passion, the edge-of-your-seat, non-stop heart-pounding action that once captivated the heavens above and its world below.
The date was August 19th, 2009 A.D., a Wednesday. It has been argued as the greatest Wednesday in our world’s recorded history. Teams scored at a blistering pace as shots sizzled through the night sky. The furious onslaught left thousands of spectators breathless. When the final whistle blew, when the smoke cleared, when the rumble of battle was no more, it was the Dynamo standing tall, standing in victory…sweet, sweet victory. Dynamo 1, Isidro Metapan 0.
It’s hard to believe that we can witness this matchup twice in the same lifetime, but here it is, and here we are. If we’re this excited, just imagine how excited the players are right now! It’s like the Super Bowl, World Series, Daytona 500, and Westminster Dog Show all rolled into one spectacular event! Man, I bet the guys wore their uniforms on the plane not wanting to waste time once they landed. Who could blame them? It’s like Megan Fox waiting for me to come to bed at night… already naked. OK, that part isn’t true.
One last thing, with October being Breast Cancer Awareness Month and most sports organizations are doing their part to raise awareness, let me also do my part and contribute these helpful tips (courtesy of The Onion).
FOREVER ORANGE
Category: Team NewsEmpty Promises
By: Jeremy | 9 Comments
You know, soccer, there are codes of conduct in this world. One of them is that if you want to end a relationship with someone you supposedly care about, you deal with them honestly. You don’t promise excitement and entertainment only to bore the hell out of them. But of course, that’s what you did with me, and I’m not real happy about it.
What would have been so hard about coming to me and sitting down and just talking? Would it have made you uncomfortable? Well, think of how what you did made me feel! I’m glad of one thing, though: I found out what kind of sport and league you really are, before I made a really terrible mistake and bought season tickets or something.
I know it’s hard to admit, but it seems like we’re just not as close as we used to be. We don’t seem to want to do the same things anymore. I think sporting events should be entertaining. You obviously feel otherwise. I don’t know what to do about it, except suggest that maybe we should stop seeing each other.
It seems harsh to end it so abruptly, but you aren’t giving me what I need. You aren’t giving me what you promised. You said Sunday would be “the first act in a two-week passion play,” and I believed you. Now I feel so empty, so used.
“The guys are all buzzing about it,” said Dynamo Head Coach Dominic Kinnear. “It is one of those games that can’t get here fast enough. We know the importance of it, [and] there is going to be a really good crowd. The opponent is a good opponent with some great players. It has the makings of one of those games that has everything you want as a player.”
With all of this hype and “buzz,” shouldn’t there also be a disclaimer posted that reads “as with any soccer match, there is a 90% chance that this game will be incredibly boring.”
Nearly 30,000 people paid to see grown men kick a ball around a field for 90+ minutes. That’s it, nothing else happened. The ball went back and forth and sometimes really high, which was actually the most exciting part. The “game” ended in a 0-0 draw. Holy crap, soccer, you should be ashamed of yourself. Is this the best you can do?
Looking back, I’m trying to think of a game this year that made me say “Wow, that was a really good game.” I don’t think it has happened. And that’s really pathetic considering we’re tied for first place. Imagine how boring it would be if we sucked (like Dallas). The last game I can say I really enjoyed was a match between Manchester United and my beloved Liverpool. Maybe that’s my clue. If I want truly entertaining and inspired soccer, watch a league that matters. Watch a league that is worthy of the hype.
FOREVER (yawn) ORANGE
Category: Team NewsDynamo vs. Galaxy (and other stuff)
By: Jeremy | Add Comments
Dynamo, it’s time to test your mettle. Your final two regular season opponents have also clinched invitations to the postseason. So, knowing that win or lose you’ll still be in the dance, does that alter your mindset? Will you be reserved to rest or do you push for custody of the coveted home-field advantage?
It would logical to conclude that Chivas USA will be, in all likelihood, the possessors of home-field considering they have the proverbial “game in hand”. But you also have a unique situation in that Chivas and Los Angeles play in the same stadium. If Chivas gains home-field then you might as well say that Los Angeles also has home-field, although that really only works if it’s Chivas and Los Angeles in the Conference Finals. In essence, Los Angeles has less reason to play. They’ve made the playoffs and can somewhat look to Chivas to wrap up home-field advantage for them. Yeah, it’s a stretch to look at it that way but it might be a valid point.
But the true point is the Dynamo need to go out and claim what is rightfully theirs. They are the best team in the MLS. I know, there’s all of the “then why don’t they have the best record” bullshit. Well, frankly it’s because the MLS is just something for players to do when there isn’t a more important international competition going on. If we had all of our best players on a consistent basis, then yes, we would have the best record. That’s my opinion, yours may differ and results may vary.
OK, on to a few other quick notes…
I saw the Pittsburgh Penguins’ championship rings were unveiled and they look great, but it inspired me to search for MLS championship rings. I couldn’t find many. The Dynamo’s second championship is represented by the ring above and here are a few others:
DC United, 1996
DC United, 1999
Columbus Crew, 2008
LIFE.com had a nice picture gallery devoted to Soccer Tackles and the Art of Acting.
Something from Germany; I’m not sure what to make of it, but I like it.
One of the best goals ever!
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FOREVER ORANGE
Dallas sucks.
Category: Team NewsGeoff Does It Like A Rabbit
By: Jeremy | 4 Comments
So I’m kind of bummed that yesterday’s post fetched zero responses from the Offside readers. The picture of Stuart Holden had me laughing for a good bit of the day, but to each his own.
If you looked at the Dynamo’s picture gallery from the charity match against Monterrey then you saw this strange goal celebration by Geoff Cameron. Well, if you haven’t seen it before, here’s the video that should offer some explanation.
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FOREVER ORANGE
Dallas sucks.
Category: Team NewsHoly Crap! Is Stu Okay?!?
By: Jeremy | 3 Comments
Not much to write about today. The Charity Cup went well from what I have read. I couldn’t find a television broadcast (if there was one to be found) so I’m relying on the written word to keep me informed. You can read about it here.
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FOREVER ORANGE
Dallas sucks.
Category: Team NewsWho’s Your Sister?
By: Jeremy | 3 Comments
With the Dynamo’s Charities Cup coming up this weekend, houstondynamo.com put out a pregame quotesheet that contained a small tidbit of very informative yet very incorrect information. Here’s a quote from Monterrey’s head coach, Victor Manuel Vucetich:
We appreciate the invitation extended for this game and we want to thank the Dynamo for the opportunity of sharing the sport of soccer through charity. We come to Houston to play this game with a lot of responsibility, always looking to project a positive image in the region, giving that Monterrey and Houston are sister cities.
Monterrey and Houston are sister cities? I didn’t know that, probably because they aren’t sister cities. Mr. Vucetich, I believe you are thinking of Dallas. Monterrey and Dallas are sisters. Nice try, though. I would sooner want to claim ties with Houston, too, but Houston’s Mexican sister is Tampico.
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Every month the writers at The Offside receive their traffic stats. There is a perplexing situation which I would like clarified. Below is a chart I compiled that shows the number of September visits for each MLS team page. As you can see, after 9 posts the Dynamo page placed 7th with 1,349 hits. But check out Chivas USA. The Chivas page hasn’t been updated in months yet had 321 more hits. What gives? Is there something more you would like to see from the Houston page? More polls? Opinions? Contests? Something similar to the Chivas page?
Don’t forget, you can receive occasional Offside Houston updates through Twitter @houstonoffside.
FOREVER ORANGE
Dallas sucks.
Category: Team News
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